Hiiiiiiii, welcome to Iconik Coffee Roasters in Santa Fe. My name is Katie, am I going to be administering your colonic today?
I’m sorry, colonic? I just wanted to get some tea.
Yesssssss, well it’s not actually a colonic, but that’s the way some of our customers feel after seeing our prices. See, what I’m going to do right now is take a few tea leaves, put them in one of those fancy bags that hangs off the side, fill it with water, and then charge you $4.50. So that’s why I call it a colonic, because it makes many of our customers feel that it’s taking something from the very depths of their souls.
Wait, a tea costs $4.50?
Yep, let me just go ahead and ring you up. Will you be paying with credit card? Bit Coin? Ethereum? Other alt coin? Perhaps you’d like to do a wire transfer? Also, just so you know, after I run your card I’m going to do that thing where I swivel the screen over to you and it’s going to ask you what kind of exorbitant tip you’d like to leave me. Because you see not only am I charging you an arm and a pancreas for your tea, I think you should tip on top of it, too, cuz like, living wage, right?
Ok, I’ll just go ahead and get that yerba mate started for you.
Ok, here you go. I noticed you only left an 18% tip on your tea. Now, that’s “Good,” but you might’ve noticed that 20% was “Great” and anything above that was “Excellent.” Do you want to talk about why you left such a miserable tip? Are you having money problems? Did you recently get laid off. It’s ok, we can talk about it for a second. Just keep your mask on and don’t look me in the eye.
I think I’m just gonna go.
Have a wonderful day. Come back again soon.
Thus went my yerba mate-getting experience in Iconik Coffee Roasters here in Santa Fe just a moment ago. Now, I talked about this place yesterday. I went there for a matcha latte. It was delicious. It was one of the finest-crafted matcha lattes I’ve ever had. The almond milk actually tasted like almonds. It was creamy. They did latte art.
But $7 for a matcha latte?
Get the hell out of town.
Today I went back there for a yerba mate cuz I noticed yesterday they had it and I wanted a pick-me-up before hitting the road again today and driving to Moab. And the yerba mate cost $4.50. $4.50 for loose leaf tea. And then they have the gall to swing the the screen over to you making you feel like you need to tip. Please don’t swivel your screen over to me. I don’t want to touch your screen. I don’t want to touch any screen. And please don’t ask for a tip when I’m already paying you a week’s salary (from when I worked, of course) for your damn tea. Swivel the screen back to yourself. Now swivel your little hips around and make the tea. So I can get out of here and drive to Moab.
Anyway. This place really does have good product. But my god the whole vibe is pretentious. It’s one of those places that has shitty art on the walls and they think that just because they’re asking $800 for a painting it somehow makes the painting good. I’m afraid that’s not how it works. Your painting looks like a troupe of ducks took a crap on a canvas. That actually might be more interesting. I would actually probably pay more for that than that painting. In fact, when I get home to my boat I might actually leave a canvas on the end of the dock for a month and see what happens to it. I’ll call it, “Le Canard.”
God, why do I sound bitter this morning.
I’m not bitter. I’m stoked as fuck. I had a great time in Santa Fe, it’s now one of my favorite cities in the US and I can’t wait to come back to New Mexico, to come here again and also go bouldering in Roy, the weather’s great, the Subi has new tires (well, patched), and we’re ready to hit the road. And I have a yerba mate in my hand right now. And I just took a picture of the chiles hanging outside my window. And I slept well last night. And I got kombucha and mate this morning. And I’m contemplating whether to go to Whole Foods to get cash back so I can leave a tip for the housekeepers in USD or if I should just leave the pesos I have in my wallet.
Plus I sort of did yoga this morning.
Oh! And the best part about this morning? Yesterday I wrote down a list of life changes I want to implement in the upcoming weeks. One is to wake up at the same time everyday. That time, for whatever reason when I’ve done this in the past, has always been 7:30am. Not too early. Not too late. And this morning when I woke up, stretched, fluttered my bleary eyes, and then finally reached over and grabbed my phone and turned it on and looked at the clock guess what time it was?
And now it’s time to hit the mountains, Iconik mate in hand.