Ups? | R2V4 #2

R2V4 is so far NOT having the gangbusters start that R2V3 did. This is because, well, bouldering progress is not always linear. I found that out the fun way yesterday. My sister’s dog and I went on a mission to find the Devil’s Club Forest Boulders in the East Miller River Valley (EMRV), and were stymied, partly because Ginger is not the talus crawler she once was, and partly because I…forgot the guidebook. Yes, you read that correctly. I committed an egregious mental gaffe. I picked up the guidebook, thinking, Gee, can’t forget THIS, and then promptly forgot it.

Blast.

It’s drizzling today — MISTING — and I have a snus in because ostensibly it will make me think better. What am I thinking about? Not bouldering V4. I’m actually thinking about — and this is quite specific — the following: whether or not there are anchorages near the city of Squamish, BC. So I guess I’m SORT OF thinking about bouldering. Indirectly. Because obviously Squamish is one of the best towns for bouldering in the world, and I would be going there because I want to boulder, and also because I’m ruminating on a pretty big sailing trip starting this fall, and Squamish would be a rad first destination to boulder and chill and maybe meet the love of my life.

Yesterday was actually a massive step back in bouldering. I couldn’t even get to the lip on Zelda Dyno V4, I couldn’t even come remotely close to starting two different V5’s (Miller Lite of the EMRV and Face Crack of the Zelda Boulders), the only thing I really climbed was the V0 or V1 arrete next to Zelda Dyno, and I just felt…generally…weak. I felt slow. I felt fat. I felt sluggish. I felt becalmed. I felt lethargic. This COULD have been because I hadn’t eaten anything all day, and because my diet the day before was awful. But I think it’s actually just my first mini plateau. There are going to be plateaus on the illustrious, yellow-bricked, gold-paved, like-approaching-the-mythical-city of-Tenochtitlan, Road to V7. Some plateaus will last longer than others. Some plateaus will be mental, some will be because you just don’t feel like climbing that much, and some will be because instead of eating healthy you’re microwaving mini-pizzas (!) and drinking non-alcoholic beer.

But, like, I also gotta live my life.

Aka as of not this Monday but the next I will be unemployed. Funemployed? You know when people make jokes that are KIND of funny but you’ve heard them so many times they more suggest a simple mind? Funemployed is kind of like that. Beware anyone who says “funemployed.” They could be a sadist.

The V4’s that are most likely to go first, hopefully sometime in the next few weeks? Month?:

Fridge Center V4

Zelda Dyno V4

Toto V4

The Real Thing V4

Serenity Now V4

God, please let me climb one of these soon. The thing is: I am patently NOT a V4 climber. I am not a V3 climber. I am not a V2 climber. I’m like a V1 climber. On a good day. On a terrible day I’m probably more like a V0 climber. V-basic climber? No, I’m a little better than that. I’m still not a crimp master. I still struggle with slopers. My foot placement is terrible. Sit starts make me want to throw a tantrum. There are so many ways I could improve my climbing. But, and here’s the thing, and this time it’s an unavoidable thing, the kind of thing that can’t be avoided, the kind of thing that, some might say, is “essential”: It takes time. It takes a lot of climbing. It takes paying your dues, even though — and let me be 14,000% clear about this — paying your dues does not have to be unfun. Paying your dues is the awesome part. Sitting at the bottom of a boulder, looking up at it, looking up at the sky, thinking, How am I going to climb this? And then one day you do climb it. And it’s glorious. Ups? Downs? Paying dues? It’s all part of the process, I suppose.

 

Ups and Downs | R2V4 #1

Look at it. Look how it glistens in the sun. Look at how much cooler the “4” looks at the end of R2V4 than the “3” looked at the end of R2V3. Yes, friends, we have moved onto a new chapter: V4.

Of course, this isn’t the only bouldering milestone I look forward to in the near future, nor even the only milestone I look forward to grade-wise. I’ve still only climbed ONE V3 outside at this point. I’ve only climbed ONE V2 that wasn’t a slab. So there are tons more grade milestones to achieve that don’t even involve climbing V4. Flash V2, for instance. Climb a bunch more V3’s. Flash a V3. Flash a V16. Move to Finland. Get a tattoo of a spider on my abdomen. Get a tattoo of an eye…on my neck. Get a horrible almost bowl cut mushroom thing. Get ripped as fuck. Start sport climbing. Wait a minute, no on that last one. Never start sport climbing. Sport climbing is lame.

Why is sport climbing lame? Because you have a rope…

Why is bouldering rad? Because you don’t have a rope…

I mean, that’s pretty much it, isn’t it? Sure sport climbing is probably thrilling. But, like, you’re strapped into a harness. That goes around your upper inner thighs and fits all snug. Probably causes your boxers to roll up. And then you have bolts drilled into the rock? Um, cool, that sounds totally natural. Let’s go up on that beautiful granite face and just start drilling shit into it. Awesome. Good idea. Sport climbing is totally rad.

Anyway. I actually did go climbing today. Sort of. I took my sister’s dog up to the boulders, and I tried the sit start on a V3 for like a half hour, sort of learned how to do the first move — maybe? — and then went to Serenity Now V4 where I definitely made some advances. I was able to get my left fingers into the little slot thing and actually hold the position, just hold it there, and prepare to move my right hand somewhere to stabilize myself so I could stand up. After that you’re ESSENTIALLY at the top, except that the top is still (or at least feels) several hundred yards away. What a beautiful dihedral though, right? Have you ever seen a more perfect dihedral?

Dihedral?

I would like to go climbing tomorrow. I would like to go WITH someone. This will not happen. Unfortunately.

What’s happening right now? I’m drinking black tea. And thinking about bouldering. And also thinking about not bouldering. I’m also thinking about taking my sister’s dog for a walk. And about watching Border Town. Honestly I probably won’t go outdoor, real bouldering again until Sunday evening at the earliest. Which is a bit of a bummer. But in the grand scheme of things matters not a whit.

Not a whit.