Todo lo que yo sufrí | R2V4 #7

Friends. Lovers. I’ve missed you so much. I feel like we’ve been apart for quite some time now. I feel like you never want to hang out anymore. I feel like every time I say, “Babe, lets go project some sick blocs. You know you’ve been thinking about the beta for The Doja V7 (direct variation).” And she’s like, “No, I don’t want to go bouldering with you. All you talk about are ‘blocs’ and ‘micro-beta.’ Right hand up to the crimp, wedging it into the wedge. Left hand up to the tic and then mini bump up to the fin? Give me a break. Plus, what’s the hardest you’ve crushed outside, babe? Go on: Tell me: What’s the hardest you’ve crushed outside?”

You turn your eyes downward, ashamed.

“I’ve almost sent a V4…”

She spits on your feet and farts in your direction. Then the two of you get up and make brownies.

ANYWAY.

Yes, I went climbing yesterday. Yes, I know I wasn’t supposed to. My carbon emissions are off the charts. Two days in a driving ALL THE WAY up to the mountains, and ALL THE WAY BACK. Two days in a row hiking six miles roundtrip just to project some sic (sic) blocs (sic). And I mean, it’s been worth it. OBVIOUSLY it’s been worth it. Sent Beam Me Up V2. Yesterday sent another V2 called Moonlight Mile in the Que Luna boulders. Sent a V0 called Offa’ My Cloud. Sent another V0 down at the Index River Boulders called Hueco Man. Calluses are building up. Elbow feels pretty good. I feel like I’m on the ROAD TO V7. Like, I’m not just sitting by the side of the road watching men go by in their horse-drawn carriages, women in their Victorian era hats and frilly dresses. I’m actually on this road with the rest of them. I’m driving one of the damn carriages! Hell, I might even be one of the horses. I might even be one of the Victorian-era hats. I might even by a rock on the road that people stub their toes on. Either way I’m on the road — I’m not just a bystander. I’m not just standing by. Rather, I’m passing by. I’m a passerby amongst other passersby.

Todo lo que yo viví.

Todo lo que yo sufrí.

And today is a quote unquote down day. I’m going to try to not climb today. Give my fingers a rest. Too much crimping. I can’t remember the last time I woke up without swollen fingers. I should probably go back to the keto diet, but I don’t want to. I really like carbs. Plus when I was doing keto I ate so many animal products. Too many animal products. I feel better about eating corn chips than I do sausages. I feel better about fasting than I do sausages.

Ya no queda nada.

Aqui estoy sentado en mi velero, viendo como la toalla se mece en la brisa. Oigo el canto de un pájaro. Bueno, no tanto un canto ya que es un cuervo. Pienso en tomarme otro té. O en comer algo. Me pregunto que si en este mero momento preferiría estar en México. O en Chile. O en Europa. Pero ahorita no se puede ir a Europa si sos gringo. Sí se puede ir a México. México ha cerrado sus fronteras terrestres pero no las aéreas. Así que todavía se puede ir en avión.

 

First Moves on a V7??? | R2V4 #5

I haven’t written in awhile. I think this is because I got laid off/quit and have been going a bit buck wild as a result. By buck wild I of course meaning eating a bit more sugar than normal. Sleeping in till 8am. That kind of buck wild. I’m not suddenly snorting amphetamines, though part of me wants to. Seattle is so boring. Is it boring? Am I boring?

It’s raining outside and my car windows are cracked. This is because this morning it didn’t seem like rain could be in the forecast for the next 14 years. I went bouldering this morning! How is that possible? I woke up at 5:30am and was on the road by 6:06am. By 8:30 my hands were touching the beautiful granite features of Magic School Bus V2, which I sent within a few tries. I found the tall man beta first, which turned the problem into a V0/1, and then sent it with the intended beta, and apart from a spicy topout, it still felt a bit soft for a V2. If I can send a V2 within a few tries it either means A) It’s soft, B) I’m hard, or C) The Red Sox are going to win the World Series.

And now having bouldered this morning AND having watched the Chelsea game this afternoon, what else is there to do? Go to sleep so I can wake up and boulder again? Do I have anything else to live for?

Let me at least tell you about the rest of the session.

So, right before sending Magic School Bus I sent an Unknown V0 which also had a spicy topout and the whereabouts of my pad were somewhat unknown. I mean, I sort of glanced down and was pretty sure it was under me, but I was also pretty sure I wasn’t going to fall.

After these two boulders I headed up to Beam Me Up V2, which I FINALLY DID THE FIRST MOVES ON FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER A FEW DAYS AGO. OMG. But I didn’t top out. Because I got to the second half of the boulder and was kind of pumped/panting and didn’t know the beta. So today, after failing on Mr. Brightside V1 for a few tries, I went back down to Beam Me Up and was able to do the first few moves after the first few tries and, after not topping out AGAIN, thought to myself, Why is it that every time I try to read Catch-22 I give up after 50 pages? I also thought, I better learn the top part. And so I did. And it was easy. And then I gave it a send burn and sent it. And it was somewhat glorious. A long time coming. And then I got the hell out of there.

I was going to hang out in the Bricklayer area of the clearcut boulders but it was insanely crowded. Like, gym crowded. Like, Mariners Game crowded. Like, parade crowded. Like, Montlake at rush area crowded. Like, Pagliacci when they’re having a special crowded. So I headed back to the car and down to the Boulder Drop Boulders, located just a hop skip and a faceplant from the town of Index, where my goal was to A) look at Mr. Smooth V7, B) touch Mr. Smooth V7, and C) maybe even try the first move of Mr. Smooth V7. All three of which I did. And here’s the thing: I ALMOST DID THE FIRST MOVE OF MR SMOOTH V6000. Like, I think I might be able to send this boulder in the next 20 or so tries. And by 20 I mean 19. And by 19 I mean 21.

After Mr Smooth I went to the Camp Serene Boulder, where I got closer on Serenity Now V4 than I have ever gotten.

So it was a good day! But now what do I do?

Ups and Downs | R2V4 #1

Look at it. Look how it glistens in the sun. Look at how much cooler the “4” looks at the end of R2V4 than the “3” looked at the end of R2V3. Yes, friends, we have moved onto a new chapter: V4.

Of course, this isn’t the only bouldering milestone I look forward to in the near future, nor even the only milestone I look forward to grade-wise. I’ve still only climbed ONE V3 outside at this point. I’ve only climbed ONE V2 that wasn’t a slab. So there are tons more grade milestones to achieve that don’t even involve climbing V4. Flash V2, for instance. Climb a bunch more V3’s. Flash a V3. Flash a V16. Move to Finland. Get a tattoo of a spider on my abdomen. Get a tattoo of an eye…on my neck. Get a horrible almost bowl cut mushroom thing. Get ripped as fuck. Start sport climbing. Wait a minute, no on that last one. Never start sport climbing. Sport climbing is lame.

Why is sport climbing lame? Because you have a rope…

Why is bouldering rad? Because you don’t have a rope…

I mean, that’s pretty much it, isn’t it? Sure sport climbing is probably thrilling. But, like, you’re strapped into a harness. That goes around your upper inner thighs and fits all snug. Probably causes your boxers to roll up. And then you have bolts drilled into the rock? Um, cool, that sounds totally natural. Let’s go up on that beautiful granite face and just start drilling shit into it. Awesome. Good idea. Sport climbing is totally rad.

Anyway. I actually did go climbing today. Sort of. I took my sister’s dog up to the boulders, and I tried the sit start on a V3 for like a half hour, sort of learned how to do the first move — maybe? — and then went to Serenity Now V4 where I definitely made some advances. I was able to get my left fingers into the little slot thing and actually hold the position, just hold it there, and prepare to move my right hand somewhere to stabilize myself so I could stand up. After that you’re ESSENTIALLY at the top, except that the top is still (or at least feels) several hundred yards away. What a beautiful dihedral though, right? Have you ever seen a more perfect dihedral?

Dihedral?

I would like to go climbing tomorrow. I would like to go WITH someone. This will not happen. Unfortunately.

What’s happening right now? I’m drinking black tea. And thinking about bouldering. And also thinking about not bouldering. I’m also thinking about taking my sister’s dog for a walk. And about watching Border Town. Honestly I probably won’t go outdoor, real bouldering again until Sunday evening at the earliest. Which is a bit of a bummer. But in the grand scheme of things matters not a whit.

Not a whit.

 

 

The Last Chapter (R2V2 #9)

Ahhhhh friends, where to start? This, this ninth installment, will be the last ever in the existence of “Road to V2.” Why? The answer is quite simple, but nonetheless compelling: I sent V2 outside. Yes! You read that right! This is not some kind of hoax, some kind of bedevilry your eyes are playing upon you: I sent the bouldering grade V2, on real rock, not in a gym. And it was glorious. It was glorious and over all too quickly. And as with sending anything that you’ve been working on for awhile, it kind of felt like, “Wait, that was it?”

The boulder in question: Eight Bit Slab V2, of the Road to Zion boulders, of the Clearcut Boulders, of the Reiter Foothills Boulders, near Gold Bar. When? Two days ago, Wednesday, May 27th, the year of Yaweh two thousand and twenty. What were the circumstances? Please read on…

First, a video of someone ELSE sending Eight Bit Slab:

Now, I know what you’re thinking: I should get a new car instead of a used car. Because they don’t cost THAT much more and you get a warranty and they break down less, right? Plus, I’ve never had a new car.

Actually, you’re probably not thinking that. But you probably HAVE thought that at some point. Now, you’re probably thinking, “Jesus, that’s a beautiful slab.” And you’re damn right. That is a beautiful slab. That’s one of the reasons Eight Bit Slab is rated three stars in the Western Washington Bouldering guide by Pablo Zuleta, the mythical pebble wrestler himself. But climbing slab is of course not like wrestling! No, climbing slab is a dance. It’s like hanging out with that guy from Game of Thrones who always used to call “Arya” boy. Be like water! He said. Or he might’ve not said that. I don’t really remember.

I don’t really remember much about this climb, either. All I was thinking was, “Don’t fall.” The great thing about this boulder is it has a pretty good landing, and a beautiful seam running right up the center of it. It’s also high enough to get your heart beating irregularly, but definitely not a high ball. It’s a “middle ball.” Or maybe a “middle to high ball.” If it were a human it’d be that guy named Ryan who’s 5’10”, drives a newish Subaru, has a good paying job, and has never done anything remotely original in his life. No, no, no. It would be nothing like that. It could never be human. If this slab were animate it would be a whale, rolling in the deep. A mythical beast with perfect handholds.

So now this blog will be called “Road to V3,” and you can bet I’ve already got my sights on some V3’s. There’s the V3 slab I was trying with Terri the other day, Rocksteadeasy V3. There’s Summer Solstic V3, a tantalizing delight of slopers and meathooks and overhanging posterity. There’s the Regatta de Blanc V0 version that traverses into BMOC V2, thus becoming V3. There are the V3’s on Hate Rock in Leavy. The cool sloper one and the two campus ones.

And this is getting a bit ahead of myself but of course I already have my sights set on V4’s and V5’s. You’d have to, right? Today I went and checked out the Beach Boulders in Leavenworth and stood humbled and fairly wetting myself at the base of Beached Whale V3, one of the most epic, horrifying slabs I’ve ever seen. And then there’s Dyno 101 V3, which I know I can send, but unfortunately it’s currently three eights underwater. And as for the the V4’s and V5’s I mentioned in the topic sentence of this paragraph before instantly changing gears, today I started off the day by going to Forestland for the first time, where I sent a V1 called XXXXX and checked the infamous One Summer V5, which looked impossible until I later realized I had been looking at a V6 variation. There was also The Real Thing V4, which doesn’t look completely impossible.

So yeah, I have reached the end of Road to V2, though of course the road doesn’t really end but rather bifurcates in countless directions as you continue to try and fail on other V2’s, project other ones, flash other ones, and generally become a “climber.” I never thought I’d say this after the past 2.5 months of lockdown, but I actually need a bit of a respite from climbing. I’m going to climb tomorrow, of course, weather permitting, in the illustrious East Miller River Valley, on the rainy side of the Cascades. And then on Sunday I might go pick up my hangboard from my parents’ house. Once that gets mounted on the boat I’ll be a crimping machine. And maybe I’ll even lose the belly I’ve been complaining about for the past two months.