I think I’ve figured out the perfect diet: You just wanna be kind of hungry — all of the time. At least during the day. You definitely want to be kind of hungry during the day. Because here’s what most people do: They eat a big, carb heavy lunch, and then they spend the rest of the day chasing the dragon like a goddamn drug addict. Caffeine. More carbs. Sugar. Anything to get them back to normal! This was me, my friends. I was this person. I would eat a big lunch, maybe a Chipotle burrito, maybe a Chipotle burrito bowl, maybe a sandwich, maybe some sushi, thinking I was “healthy,” and I kind of WAS healthy, but then I’d spend the rest of the day fighting a losing battle.
Solution: Just be kind of hungry, all of the time.
How do you do that?
Don’t eat too many carbs.
It’s not rocket science. It’s not even the kind of science you’d use to make one of those baking soda and vinegar volacanoes. It’s just: How do I feel when I eat this? OK, now how do I feel when I eat that? Yesterday was a perfect example. Yesterday, despite my best intentions, turned into a “carb loading day.” I did not plan for this to happen. I was just listening to my body, and my body was saying: Put some fucking rocket fuel in me, Mark, I’m trying to blast off. So I had some veggie crisps with guacamole dip, and about 30 minutes later the tiredness set in. I spent the rest of the day chasing the dragon, its tail always just in front of me. I went to Cafe Fiore at about 4pm and I got a fucking ALMOND MILK LATTE. That’s how desperate I was. And it sort of worked, if it weren’t for the near emotional breakdown it caused about two hours later (I have a rule: Never buy airline tickets when I’m super caffeinated. So I didn’t buy airline tickets yesterday, but I did schedule a COVID vaccine. I had to do SOMETHING).
Fast forward to today, when I’ve been more vigilant about my midday carb intake. A little bit of coconut cream in the morning with my tea (trying to get away from dairy): 1 gram net carbs. An Urban Remedy matcha bar and a hop tea before physical therapy: 6g net carbs. Then, after physical therapy, “splurging,” a FocusAid by LifeAid, 9g of carbs but so much other bomb shit in it, like Alpha GPC and a slew of other nootropics guaranteed to make my spirits high and my neurons sizzle. Then, back at home, a tin of tuna mixed with harissa sauce, celery and onion. Maybe like 2-4 g carbs (I’ll have to look up the onion). So so far today I’ve had about 20g of net carbs, it’s 2pm, and I feel great. I don’t feel tired. I don’t feel sluggish. I don’t feel like the only thing I want to do is lie down. In fact, the only thing I want to do right now is drink another cup of tea and take my sister’s dog — aka the love of my life — for a walk. And then maybe come back and eat some more tuna.
Just be kind of hungry, all of the time.
Why do you think dogs have so much energy all the time? Because dogs aren’t kind of hungry, all the time — dogs are super hungry, all the time. My sister’s dog just ate and already she’s looking at me like, “You are a terrible owner. You are starving me. This is abuse.”
Dogs don’t count carbs. We count their carbs for them (unless you’re one of those asshole owners who overfeeds and never exercises your dog and your dog is obese, but I’m not really talking about you. You’re bound for hell, anyway.)
I’m not going to be one of those assholes who says to NEVER eat carbs, all I’m saying is that you’re probably eating too much of them. I challenge you, for one day, to keep track of your net carbs. Not even to limit them! Just to keep track of them. And then keep in mind according to some people the sweet spot for weight maintenance is between 100-150g a day (depending on body type, activity level, the strength of the kroner, etc). I would be surprised if you’re not surprised with the number you come up with at the end of the day. Write it down. “XXX” grams net carbs. Now stare at the number for a moment. Don’t be afraid of it. And then, “How could I have cut down those carbs a bit?” Maybe substitute the tortilla chips for some celery sticks. Maybe substitute the apple with peanut butter for celery with peanut butter. Maybe just substitute everything you eat for celery sticks, since celery has about 0g net carbs (celery has just as much fiber as it does carbs).
In conclusion, I am not a doctor or a nutritionist, I’m just another dude like you who wants to feel good. And my experiments lately with trying to eat about 100g of net carbs today have led me to these findings. Maybe they’ll work for you, maybe they won’t. Except they probably will. They’ll especially work when you stop eating hamburgers and start eating more celery sticks. And when you’re just kind of hungry, all of the time.