Uncle Billy

Hey everyone,

This is your Uncle Billy. I’m on a flight from Pisa to London right now, and then tomorrow back to the States. Why am I telling you this ? Because to commemorate my arrival I’d like you to prepare a banquet. 

Now, I know what you might be saying: Hey Bill, what kind of deli meats do you like? The answer: pretty much all kinds. I like pepperoni, ham, salami, turkey – is chicken a deli meat? Probably not.

We live in a cruel world.

I know some of you other folks might be thinking, but don’t have the guts to say, that no matter what kind of deli meats you get I’m going to be disappointed. This is simply not true. At the last get-together I only complained about the deli meats because they were garbage and because I wanted to make Aunt Sharon feel bad. Am I a bad person? I’m appalled you would even ask.

Anyway, I’m glad we had this little talk. It might not’ve been particularly interesting, but it was productive. Listen: I’m your uncle Billy. I’m here to make sure everyone has a good time. Remember two years ago when the caterer completely blew it and made the family reunion vegetarian, and we were forced to improvise? Me and cousin Darryl hopped in his truck and came back within 45 minutes with a two year old black tail. Was it an illegal shot? Technically. In the state of Arkansas, may her flag fly forever high, you’re not supposed to shoot firearms from inside a vehicle. So yes, it was against the law. But I think any law enforcement officer would be quick to appreciate how difficult the shot was and let Uncle D off with a slap on the wrist.

Plus, we had venison for days.

In addition to deli meats, John will be in charge of the beer. Karen, please take care of the silverware. The plastic kind is fine, since it makes it easier to clean up.

I’m so excited to see all of you. It’s been a great trip but to tell you the truth most of the time I’m in Europe I’m just pissed off.

God bless my family and God bless the United States of America,
Uncle Bill