The cafe in Whole Foods is actually called “Allegro Coffee,” but no one calls it that. People call it, “The cafe in Whole Foods” or “The part in the front where they sell coffee.”
They serve bulletproof coffee in Allegro Coffee. Not just grounds but the actual prepared beverage, complete with MCT (medium chain triglyceride) oil. I like this coffee, but I do think Dave Asprey, the founder, is a bit of a weirdo. He’s obsessed with “mycotoxins” and the “evil” they reek upon the world, especially peanuts. He’s also huge on beef from grass-fed cows. I was listening to a podcast with him the other day and he said, “I know exactly where my beef comes from. I know exactly what they eat, because it’s the grass surrounding my house on Vancouver Island.” Cool, Dave. Must be nice to live on Vancouver Island and have your own farm and your own grass-fed cows. I live in a two-bedroom apartment in Seattle my roommate and I call “Rancho Relaxo” because when we’re there the only thing we do is sit on the couch and eat food and watch HBO. I wish I had my own cows. I wish I had a farm on Vancouver Island. Also, Dave, do you slaughter the cows? Something tells me don’t. You might, but something tells me you don’t. Something tells me you stare at your kids all day grimacing and wondering if one day they’ll discover the glories of peanut butter. Or something processed. God forbid.
Imagine being Dave Asprey’s kid:
“What’d you have for breakfast today, Tommy?”
“A pop tart?”
(Dave calmly points toward the cellar.)
“OK, Tommy, you know what to do.”
“But there are rats down there!”
“Tommy, do I have to chain you to the pole? You have two options: You can either mainline MCT oil or we can chain you to the pole.”
“But I always miss my veins.”
“Well, the pole it is, then.”
That said, I do like fresh coffee with a bit of coconut oil. Makes you feel invincible, or, some might say, bulletproof.
But I don’t come here for the coffee. I come here for the mate. Whole Foods is one of the few places in Seattle that serves freshly-prepared mate. Now GRANTED, this is not loose leaf mate. It’s mate cocido, aka mate from bags. But it’s still delicious. And energizing. After a 12 ouncer I’m ready to walk the Ravenna trail, think important thoughts, and seize the day.
Speaking of seizing the day my mate is gone now. I tried to walk the Ravenna trail to the Amazon bookstore but realized I don’t have my gift card so buying Tools of Titans by Tim Ferrrrrrrisssssss is going to have to wait. Time to go back to Rancho Relaxo and mainline MCT oil. Or eat a pop tart.